Relationships are precious but they take work. Some relationships prove to be toxic and should be dissolved. Problems are inevitable in relationships and each problem solved creates another building block in the foundation of a solid relationship.

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August is the month I was married. This year we celebrate 40 years of marriage. I remember celebrating my parents’ 40th. Now it’s ours. How did that happen? I know I am blessed to be married to the same person all these years and to still be grateful for that. But, are we really the same people? We have survived too much individually and together to be anywhere like the young, invincible people we were.

We could never have imagined the journey – it’s joys or its sorrows. We could never have survived without the presence of God – the third Person in the marriage.

I look back and remember the excitement of starting our lives together – our new careers and first apartment, then our first house. We pursued Master’s degrees and welcomed our first child. Then the inevitable storms came: the premature births and deaths of two more sons; the death of a parent and a grandparent; a job loss; illness; relocation, etc.

We laughed together, cried together struggled and prayed as the years went by. The wheel of life continued to turn as we faced new challenges in our work and more losses in our family, as well as the thrill of grandchildren, new direction in our lives and the comfort of wisdom acquired along the way. That wisdom makes us appreciate the blessings in our lives, however painfully they are packaged. It makes us live in the present moment, remembering the past and not fearing the future. And, it makes us very grateful for the last 40 years and every tomorrow to come.

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We were privileged to attend a 50th wedding anniversary celebration this weekend. My husband had met this couple as he prepared for his ordination to the Diaconate. Our lives intertwined in tragedy as their daughter was brutally murdered at the same time our son was severely injured in an accident. I will never forget how touched I was by their prayers and concern for us as they mourned their daughter’s death. The husband has had serious health issues the last few years and it was beautiful to see them stand in church and renew their vows, especially the part about “in sickness and in health.” The celebration was a tribute to the faith, perseverance, patience and love of a couple. They were surrounded by family and friends they had cried with and laughed with. It is so important to celebrate the moment and my belief that we do somehow survive the worst and find joy was again reinforced. The deceased daughter was lovingly remembered, and two surviving daughters are fully living their lives. How wonderful that the celebration and tribute took place while both husband and wife are living. We sat with another couple who have been married 41 years – one more than our 40. She is a cancer survivor, a liver transplant survivor and receives dialysis treatment every other day. She was telling me how blessed she is and both were out on the dance floor. It was an evening of reflection and my conclusion is that we can and must keep on dancing.

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I lost a friend today. She was one of those rare friends who gave first, who loved unconditionally, who lifted you up, who believed in your best self. She suffered through years of pain and multiple surgeries and serious illnesses. Without fail, however, if you called she sincerely wanted to know how you were. She was cheerful, kind beyond belief, and completely humble. Her giving never expected a return; her love was generously bestowed upon all.

It is so rare to have someone in your life who accepts and loves you unconditionally, someone with whom masques and discretion about self-revelation are unnecessary.

How does a relationship like this happen? It evolves through shared pain and shared survival; shared joys and triumphs.

Long lasting friendships do not require daily contact. Our friendship spanned daily contact to a couple times a month. Throughout our friendship one or the other would call just when hearing the voice was needed. I am so thankful I listened to the inclination to call the day of her death. Little did we know it would be our last conversation, but we were able to express love and hope. There is an empty place in my heart today for the closeness we shared, but I am also greatly relieved that her suffering is over. She died as her family recited the Rosary in the early hours of Pentecost Sunday. Now she will continue to shower her “Happy Day Gift” on all of us.

Dear Friend, you never feared the storm, but taught us to dance in the rain.

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It must take a lifetime of learning to refine how we view things.  When I was a child I thought like a child.  Now as a mature woman I am continually rethinking what I thought I knew.  Reminds me of the King of Siam in “The King and I”, who realized the only thing for certain that he knew was that he did not know.

There’s an old story of a young bride preparing a roast for dinner.  She carefully cut it in half, placed it in 2 pans, and cooked.  When asked why she did it that way she responded that this was how her mother always did it.  Puzzled, she asked her mother, who explained she didn’t have a large enough pan.

It is liberating to examine our behavior and thought with the possibility there may be a better way, a broader view, and a greater possibility.  It is harder to see the world through the eyes of our children because our role is to teach and guide.  And through the eyes of our grandchildren, their world is so very different.  Perhaps there is safety or comfort in living with blinders on, but being open to different views, approaches, beliefs and behaviors is altogether challenging, exciting and enriching.  We must know our own truth and allow it to be broadened, colored and enhanced by respecting and hearing others’ truth.

Opening our minds can’t help but open our hearts as well.

I was recently reminded of Victor Frankl, and his incredible writings about our freedom to choose our thoughts, even in the worst of circumstances.

How often do we say, “you make me angry” or, “you’re driving me crazy” or, “you made me do it”?  The truth is we are free to choose our reactions to every circumstance.  We may initially feel anger, hurt, shame, etc, but with conscious thought we can determine how we respond.  This is an incredibly freeing thought.  Our lives and behaviors are never at the mercy or control of others.

Why then is it so easy to surrender that freedom?  I think, perhaps, it is the lack of knowledge of the power we have.  It also takes practice not to slip into old, learned and familiar patterns of blame.

I invite you to share your stories of where you took control of your reaction in a difficult situation.

It has been a long Winter in the Washington area and seeing signs of Spring makes sweeter than usual. Rainbows come out after the storm. The same is true in our lives. While we are going through the storm, it may seem as if it will always be so, but like the budding trees here, we do emerge. Bruised, a little broken, but with roots digging ever deeper for survival, heads turned toward the sun.

Spring has always been my favorite time of year. Perhaps it is because of a Spring birthday, perhaps because of Easter, many things. It is a time of hope, of new beginnings. Take time to see the trees budding, the flowers miraculously poking through barren ground, the birds singing a new song. All of these things remind us of our own resiliency and the steadfast love of the Creator of all.

I surrender! I cannot avoid it. In fact, I have begun to actually embrace the opportunities for connecting and communicating, as well as the resource for knowledge technology provides. As a psychotherapist, written records were the norm. When I started my Real Estate training, computers were an essential and accepted part of the business. Like other things, I made up my mind to learn it and did. It is harder to use the computer for things previously done “by hand”. I still cling to my Day Planner, but rarely call 411. I write handwritten notes as well as electronic ones. I now do more and more everyday transactions online and less on the phone. Speaking of the phone, I actually like my Blackberry and the accessibility it gives me (if I could just see the keys!). However, I know the day is coming when a new phone will mean a new learning curve. Social networking, blogging, teleseminars and webinars have become a normal and productive part of my day.

Besides, if I don’t keep up, my grandchildren will leave me in the dust!

“Acceptance is the solution to all our problems today.” (From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.)

What does “acceptance” mean? I believe is does not mean laying down, giving up, or being a doormat. “Acceptance” does not mean that something is “acceptable”, just, or forever. It does not mean that we must like it, or not work to change it.

Acceptance requires acknowledgement of what “is” – a very difficult thing to do. The alcoholic must acknowledge a drinking problem. The patient must acknowledge a diagnosis. The parent must acknowledge a problem with a child. Acknowledgement precedes fixing a problem.

Following the acknowledgement is acceptance. This is what “is”. I may not like it; I may choose to change it, but acceptance says I recognize and acknowledge that this circumstance, person, place or thing is the way it “is” right now. Until we accept, we live a fantasy we cannot alter.

“How are you?” “I’m fine, well, great, etc…” Are we really? Do we want to know how somebody really is? In fact, we may dread an answer other than the standard “fine”.

What is behind the pleasant, public face you wear or you meet in others? We tend to see only a small view of another’s life and compare it to the naked knowledge of ourselves. Of course we suffer by the comparison. Picture the confident, perfectly-put-together, frantically busy, slightly tense, well organized executive. Behind the exterior may be a fearful, insecure, self-doubting individual with an alcoholic spouse, or an ill and aging parent, or a sick toddler at home. We all experience difficult times. We may be at the top of the wheel of life, at the bottom, or somewhere in between.

It is amazing how healing a word of concern can be, and how stifling a mask can be. Take time today to really ask how someone is and perhaps venture an honest answer to the question.

If you have a topic or question you would like me to address, send it to me at HelenFlynn@ClareauCoaching.com, and you will see my response in future blogs.